The Truth about how to TAME your FEELINGS

Last week I wrote about the complicated relationship many of us have with our feelings.

(You can find last week’s newsletter HERE.)

On the one hand, feelings are a vital and treasured part of life. We crave joy, belonging, exhilaration, and fulfillment. Those feelings make us human, healthy, and alive.

On the other hand, it’s easy to surrender the steering wheel of life over to your feelings. You tell yourself the story that you’ll take action on a goal or important activity when you feel like it. And so you wait for a burst of courage, confidence, or motivation. And you wait…

But I learned, and continue to learn, to tame my feelings. It’s critical that you learn too, because success in this practice will give you even greater momentum in almost every other part of your life.

Last week, thanks to insights from famed psychologist William James, I shared that one of the best ways to tame your feelings is to TAKE ACTION.

One of the earliest ways I put this idea into practice was by taking ice-cold showers.

Why cold showers? Simple. Because I HATE being cold. If I was going to tame my feelings, I was going to need to learn to do things I didn’t FEEL like doing.

Here’s what that looked like in real life.

At the end of my hot, comfortable morning shower, I picked up my waterproof Timex Ironman wristwatch in my left hand and switched it to stopwatch mode. (Cue the theme music from the movie Jaws.) With my right hand, I turned the shower faucet to COLD. It was winter in the frozen tundra of Wisconsin, so the water became REALLY COLD.

Here’s a play-by-play.

I acknowledged the facts.

I am about to try my first cold shower—but I hate feeling cold. I used to think that people who take a polar bear plunge on New Year’s Day are certifiably nuts.

I affirmed the way I feel.

I feel anxious. And worried. Will this be painful? Will my heart stop? Didn’t I read about a guy who died because he took a cold shower?

I asked: What’s the worst thing that could happen?

It might be the most painful thing I’ve ever done. I could scream. Or cry. In either case, I can end the pain, turn the water back to warm, thaw out, and call it a day.

I imagined: What’s the best thing that could happen?

I’ll feel proud of myself for doing something that scares me. I’ve read about people who feel fantastic after taking cold showers, and I might feel great too. Athletes take ice baths all the time. If they can do it, so can I!

I took action.

I turned the shower faucet to COLD. The initial feeling of shock lasted about fifteen seconds. And guess what? I didn’t die. I was just fine. I focused on breathing and relaxing. After thirty seconds, I turned the water off.

I reflected.

When I stepped out of the shower, I felt fantastic. Every neuron in my body jumped for joy. I felt more alert and awake. I had greater energy and focus. But those were all side bonuses. I conquered my feelings by taking action. I did something I didn’t feel like doing. My actions, in turn, affected my mood, my attitude, and my brain chemicals. And it set the stage for the rest of the day. I had a new story! (Now, I routinely add two to four minutes of cold at the end of my shower.—and I’ve since done two January 1 polar plunges in Lake Michigan.)

Now it’s YOUR Turn

It’s liberating to understand that feelings like courage, confidence, and motivation can all follow action. Still, taking action can feel frightening. That’s because action comes with a story called RISK. And, likely, you’ve already mastered the art of avoiding risk.

But there’s a way to break through the risk of taking action. It’s called PRACTICE—and that’s what you’re going to do now. I want you to tame your feelings by taking at least ONE ACTION each day this week. (This could be the same action or something different each day. That’s up to you.)

To get you started, I want you to use the following steps. The longer you’ve been dreading or postponing an action because of your feelings, the more beneficial the first four steps will be. Eventually, you’ll be able to dive straight into step five.

You might stumble and fumble. That’s just fine. The action part is critical—even if it’s an imperfect action.

Last week’s focus was avoidance and awareness. I asked you to wrestle with the following question:

What actions do you avoid because your feelings get in the way? What important—or maybe even life-changing activities do you postpone while you wait for feelings like courage, confidence, or motivation?

Your list might have included simple things like calling your mom, writing a difficult email, making your bed, walking, going to the gym, balancing your checkbook, or cleaning the bathroom.

It might also include something more profound, like saying no to harassment, applying for a new job, or starting a new fitness program, or TAKING AN ICE-COLD SHOWER. 🙂

This week I want you to pick one action from your list and use the following steps:

Here’s an example using the steps to call your mom.

Step 1. Acknowledge the facts.

I haven’t called my mom in three months.

Step 2. Affirm the way you feel.

I feel anxious and guilty because I haven’t called my mom. She must be so disappointed in me. I can’t believe I’m so self-centered and ungrateful. I must be the worst child ever.

Step 3. Ask: What’s the worst thing that could happen?

My mom might make me feel guilty. But I already feel guilty. So I’d be no worse off than where I am right now.

Step 4. Imagine: What’s the best thing that could happen?

My mom would appreciate a call from me, and I would feel relieved because it’s been too long since I expressed how much I love her.

Step 5. Act.

I pick up the phone. I make the call.

Step 6. Reflect.

I was really glad I called Mom. It turns out my reluctance was all in my head. Mom appreciated our conversation and the chance to catch up. I brightened her day, and she brightened mine.

That’s the framework. If you haven’t already done so, pick an action from your list, follow the steps, and DO IT.

Please don’t underestimate the power of this practice.

With each action, you take back the steering wheel of your life. Over time, you’ll gain greater control over the negative feelings derailing you and keeping you trapped. Don’t be surprised if your action results in the sudden surge of courage, confidence, and motivation you’ve been praying for. Before you know it, you’ll be folding the laundry, changing the smoke detector batteries, going for a long walk, and doing a growing list of transformational things.

You may even wind up with abs like Thor.

This is an ongoing practice. As soon as you tame one feeling, inevitably a new one will step in. But please remember:

Each time you tame your feelings with action, you’re starting to LIVE AGAIN!

I’m so very proud of you. Keep learning, growing, and making a difference.

Until next time,

John Alan