I have a confession…

I have a confession.

I sometimes pray to have the abs of Thor.

(Chris Hemsworth plays Thor in the Marvel movies, and he has impressive abs. But you probably know that.)

My wife prays the same prayer (for my abs, not hers).

See if this part sounds familiar.

After praying to have the abs of Thor, I DO NOTHING.

It gets better. After I do nothing, I conclude that God must not be listening to my prayer. That’s because day after day, I look in the mirror to see the same belly I saw the day before.

I quickly conclude that this abs-of-Thor thing requires initiative on my part. And initiative—I believe—requires courage, confidence, and motivation. So I wait . . .

I wait to FEEL courageous.

I wait to FEEL confident.

I wait to FEEL motivated.

I wait—and I still do NOTHING. Why is that?

Most people have a complicated relationship with their feelings. Feelings, after all, are a vital part of life. We crave love, joy, belonging, exhilaration, and fulfillment. Those feelings make us human, healthy, and alive.

Feelings get us in trouble, however, when we let the tail wag the dog—when we allow our feelings to control us. And that’s what often happens when you’re trapped in a hole.

Courage, confidence, and motivation are all feelings. That’s important to understand because right now you believe you’d take action on your goals or challenges if you felt more courage, greater confidence, or a burst of motivation.

I believed that too. Early in my recovery, I surrendered the steering wheel of life over to my feelings. I now realize that I did this long before my Valentine’s Day Miracle—and more often than I care to admit.

But I learned, and continue to learn, to tame my feelings. It’s critical that you learn too, because success in this practice will give you even greater momentum in almost every other part of your life.

The Game Changer

William James (1842–1910) is often considered the Father of American Psychology. This is what James said about the fascinating struggle between feelings and actions:

“Actions seem to follow feeling, but really actions and feeling go together; and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not. Thus the sovereign voluntary path to cheerfulness, if our cheerfulness be lost, is to sit up cheerfully and to act and speak as if cheerfulness were already there.”

Here’s what James means in plain language: Feelings can FOLLOW ACTION.

Let that sink in because it’s a game changer. Instead of letting your feelings control you, and instead of waiting for courage, confidence, and motivation, you can TAKE ACTION. I’ve found that three miracles occur when you take action.

Positive feelings follow. When you take action, you benefit from feelings like courage, confidence, and motivation that follow your action.

You gain greater control. You take back the steering wheel of life and gain greater control over the negative feelings like fear, anxiety, and shame that are derailing you and holding you back.

You grow. Those small and consistent actions evolve into habits and routines. Along the way, you develop even greater control over your feelings and your ability to act.

One of the earliest ways I put this idea into practice is by taking ice-cold showers.

No, I don’t have a screw loose—I hate being cold. But that’s why I did it. I chose to begin the day by doing something I didn’t want to do to show my feelings that I was in charge.

I conquered my feelings by taking action. My actions, in turn, affected my mood, my attitude, and my brain chemicals. And it set the stage for the rest of the day. (More about that next week.)

This week we’re going to take a small but important first step. I’d like you to begin with awareness by answering the following questions:

What actions do you avoid because your feelings get in the way? What important—or maybe even life-changing- activities do you postpone while you wait for feelings like courage, confidence, or motivation?

Make a list. It might be something simple like calling your mom or writing a difficult email. Perhaps it’s making your bed, walking, or going to the gym. It could also be balancing your checkbook or cleaning the bathroom.

It could also be something more profound like saying no to the harassment, applying for the new job, or starting the new fitness program. You get the idea.

Be brutally honest with yourself and make a list. Add to it throughout the week as you discover (and you will) some of the ways you avoid action because your feelings get in the way.

Next week we’ll talk more about simple steps you can take to tame your feelings and reclaim the steering wheel of your life.

(If you’d like to read my complete thoughts on taming your feelings—along with my cold shower antics—check out PRACTICE 4 in my book LIVE AGAIN!)

I’m incredibly proud of you—and grateful for your progress. Every day you’re rebuilding your resilience and turning your struggles into growth.

Until next time,

John Alan

P.S. In case you missed it—I was invited to have a discussion about trauma recovery with my pastor, Ben Sadler. You can watch or listen to the 40-minute podcast HERE.