It’s time for a path forward…
Over the past couple of weeks we have focused on the power of healthy relationships.
If you missed out, you can catch up or review here:
The truth about relationships (August 23)
This wonder drug will change your life (August 30)
This week I’m going to give you a very tactical and practical path forward.
Please wrestle with the following three questions—each focused on healthy relationships.
Since everyone has different needs and circumstances, I’d like you to evaluate each of these questions (along with the sub-questions that follow) and determine the BEST PLACE FOR YOU to begin.
Any practice that has to do with relationships can feel overwhelming—especially if you’re trapped in a hole. That’s why I want you to be gentle and patient with yourself. Find the right pace for you. But please, do not procrastinate! Healthy relationships can be vital—and maybe even transformational—for service-minded people like you.
Question 1: Where can you find and build new and healthier relationships?
Of course, you could post on social media or run a sign up a flagpole that says, “BURNED OUT. BROKEN. ALONE. RELATIONSHIP WANTED.” Or—you might consider any number of the following opportunities. Make a list and add additional options as you identify them.
Who else might also be isolated or lonely and looking for a healthy friendship? They could be right under your nose.
Are there people you already know who charge your batteries and build you up when you spend time with them?
Is there someone who has faced difficulties, traumas, losses, or crises yet seems to have learned to manage their struggles productively or has emerged from their struggles stable and grounded?
What clubs, groups, gatherings, volunteer opportunities, trips, or events allow you to connect with more positive and encouraging people? How about service organizations? Rotary? Habitat for Humanity? Toastmasters? A local church or place of worship?
What online communities fit your interests and personality? While I believe in-person relationships are ideal, I participate in a number of online communities. Online communities cater to every conceivable topic and interest. Being involved in these communities provides me with positive encouragement and surrounds me with uplifting voices. Some of my virtual communities have included professional interests, goal setting, health and fitness, spiritual growth, and support for people who have survived cardiac arrest.
Question 2: What are the current relationships you might want to reduce?
While you make room for new and healthy relationships, you might also consider spending less time with certain people or establishing new boundaries. There could be many reasons for doing this. Here are a few:
The values of others are not in line with your own.
Toxic attitudes, routines, or activities of others drag you down and keep you in a hole.
Someone displays habitual disrespect, harassment, or bullying.
People engage in excessive drinking or drug use.
Others coerce or expect you to overspend.
Once again, start by making a list. This category might also include groups of people, gatherings, or situations. Write everything down.
Now prioritize the list and get started. Perhaps it means opting out of barhopping with the “gang” on Friday night because everyone tends to drink too much, spend too much, gossip about others, and stay out too late. You get the idea.
I know this won’t be easy. You will likely face judgment and criticism. Be prepared for that. Whenever possible, hang out with an individual or a small group of friends or family who understand and support your new boundaries.
Question 3: What are the current relationships that you ought to eliminate?
This is a tough one. You don’t just get rid of people who bother you. And that’s not what I’m suggesting. Unfortunately, there are times when a relationship exists that is so hurtful, so debilitating, and so destructive that you have to draw a line in the sand. You have to move on figuratively or even physically.
You’ll want to consider eliminating a relationship if any of these statements are true.
You are suffering physical or emotional abuse.
The individual’s actions are unethical or illegal.
It will be impossible for you to recover or heal as long as the current relationship is in place.
Start by making a list. Who are the individuals or relationships that belong in this category? Put names on paper.
Now prioritize the list and consider these two options:
Which relationship, if eliminated, would have the most positive impact? (This one might also be the most difficult.)
Which hurtful relationship would be the easiest to eliminate? (This provides a small win before you address the more volatile ones.)
Don’t take this action lightly. You’ll want to consider prayer and wisdom from an emotionally stable person you can trust. When possible, consider handling this discussion face-to-face or over the phone. While I don’t consider texting, messaging, email, or letters ideal, they might be necessary. In extreme situations you might simply need to break off contact or “disappear.” This is where wisdom, good judgment, and the advice of that trusted and emotionally stable person will be vital.
And if you are in an abusive relationship or a dangerous situation, reach out for help—TODAY.
I’ve given you much to consider.
As I mentioned earlier, please be gentle and patient with yourself, and find the right pace for you.
But please, do not procrastinate! If you can’t decide where to begin, start out with question number one, which focuses on new relationships. But please DON’T ignore questions two and three. While difficult, they may very well give you a path toward the healing and healthier relationships you need.
I’m so very proud of you, my friend. From the bottom of my heart—thank you for your friendship and for taking this journey together.
I also love hearing your feedback and learning what’s working for you. Just hit reply to this email and drop me a line.
And please, don’t forget—
The world needs you. I need you.
It’s never too late to start to LIVE AGAIN!
With gratitude,
John Alan
