Is it time to choose your hard?
Choose Your Hard is the first of twelve practices in my book.
You will use this first practice repeatedly. I do—especially when I struggle with any of the following themes:
There’s a toxic or disempowering belief that’s deeply ingrained on my psyche.
I feel overwhelmed, trapped, or paralyzed with fear.
Shame has a stranglehold on my identity.
I am deep in denial.
I’ve found a surprising secret weapon to fight and win these battles. I’ve learned to choose my hard.
Shortly after my PTSD diagnosis, I came to realize that I spent most of my time avoiding, escaping, and hoping that somehow, someway, I would get better.
I had an epiphany after a particularly horrible nightmare. The epiphany went something like this.
Climbing out of a hole is hard. When you’re in a messy, complicated, and dark place, doing the things necessary to climb out of a hole are filled with pain, fear, frustration, failure, struggle, sacrifice, and setbacks.
BUT—remaining trapped in a hole is hard too. Feeling weak, demoralized, and emotionally exhausted is hard. A heart that’s racing nonstop is hard. Anxiety, fear, shame, pretending, hiding, escaping, and self-medicating are all hard.
Then came the epiphany.
I have a choice. I can CHOOSE MY HARD.
The power of choice is incredibly empowering. I once heard a quote that goes something like this:
“What happens if, right now, you are sitting in poopy diapers and you don’t change them? One, month, or one year from now, you’re going to be sitting in poopy diapers. Only worse. Maybe it’s your fault. Maybe it’s not. But if life right now is poopy diapers, I have found there is no better motivator, no better way to come to grips with reality, no better way to shake yourself than to consider the cost of not making a change.”
This epiphany that followed a nightmare, along with the poopy diaper quote, helped me wrap my mind around making some hard choices of my own.
I describe this practice in greater detail in the book—but there’s a simple way for you to get started today.
1 - Begin with honesty.
What are the specific battles—personal or professional, public or private—that have contributed to your sitting in poopy diapers? What’s the cause of your feeling burned out, broken, and alone?
2 - Visit your future self.
Make a visit to your ten-year future self. How would you feel, and what would life look like ten years from now if you do nothing and stay sitting in those poopy diapers? Consider the cost and consequences to your health, your family and relationships, your finances, your faith, your career, your goals, the causes on your heart, and the people you want to help.
3 - Ask a question.
What choice could you make TODAY—so that ten years from now your future self would say THANK YOU?
Keep in mind that your hard choice is likely something you fear or something you’ve been avoiding at all costs. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be hard.
Your hard choice might be to reach out for help. It might be to end the denial, be honest, say no, get sober, stop the addiction, put an end to the abuse, or admit you have a problem. Your hard choice may be to give yourself permission to grieve the loss of a relationship, a job, an opportunity, or your health. Your hard choice might mean committing to fight a battle without fully understanding what fighting means or looks like.
4 - Choose your hard.
Whatever your choice—put it in writing.
I made a choice following my nightmare and epiphany. The choice doesn’t sound incredibly profound. But in hindsight, it changed the trajectory of my entire journey.
My choice was to fight. That’s it. I was finished sitting in poopy diapers. At the time, I didn’t fully understand how to fight or where the battle would lead. But deep in my heart, I knew that if I continued on my current path, I would never become the person God made me to be, love the people I wanted to love, help the people I wanted to help, and fight for the causes I wanted to fight for.
I said a prayer, asked for God’s help, and decided to stop sitting on the sidelines of my own recovery.
My journey of healing took years. And, honestly, it still continues. I’ve made dozens of difficult choices since. But it started with a single empowering decision.
How about you? I’m guessing you already know what that choice ought to be. Give it some thought, prayer, and reflection.
And please remember that while you can’t change the past, you can change the future—FOR GOOD.
I’m excited for your choice and for your journey to come. Excited—because this isn’t only about you.
There are causes on your heart and people you want to help. That’s who you are. It’s your DNA. Those causes and those people give your life purpose.
Those people need you. They need your talent, your ideas, your creativity, your compassion, your resolve, and your solutions. They need your faith and love.
The futures of others depend on you. And that’s just fine—because that’s when you shine.
Congratulations! I’m incredibly proud of you. By choosing your hard, you’ve officially launched your LIVE AGAIN! journey. There’s much more to come, but for now, celebrate.
You’re choosing to LIVE AGAIN!
Until next time.
John Alan
P.S. The second half of my podcast with Kelly Parbs is live. I was Kelly’s guest on her company’s podcast: On Topic with Empathia. Kelly is a critical incident responder. That means she does counseling for survivors of crisis or traumatic events. She’s absolutely amazing, and I was honored to be a guest and have the opportunity to unpack my LIVE AGAIN! recovery journey. This is part two. (You can also find part one on the website.) It’s a 32-minute listen. Here’s the LINK.
